Question
I was always taught that Mourners Kaddish should only be recited for immediate family. In the last several years I’ve seen all people stand and recite Kaddish. When my father died I said it several times a week for 11 months and then stopped. Sometimes I feel moved to say it in Shul but I feel as I would be disrespectful to my mother. What is your feeling on this?
Answer
Thank you for this important question. You might be surprised to learn that we do not know the exact origin of reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish. In the Shulchan Arukh Yoreh De’ah 376:4, the Rema (Rabbi Moshe Isserles, who wrote the Ashkenazic glosses on Rabbi Yosef Karo’s legal code) explains the custom of reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish for a parent for twelve months. The reason given is that we are praying to redeem our parents from Gehenna—a realm described by the Rabbis as a spiritual “waystation” between death and entry into the World to Come.
According to rabbinic teaching, no one stays in Gehenna for more than twelve months. Therefore, the original custom was to recite Kaddish during that time. The Rema adds, however, that we stop after eleven months; only the truly wicked would remain in Gehenna for the full twelve months, and we do not want to suggest that our parents fall into that category.
Interestingly, this practice has no direct source in the Talmud or earlier legal codes. It seems that the custom first emerged, and then the Rema incorporated it into halakhic practice. The closest parallel appears in a story about Rabbi Akiva, who encounters the suffering soul of a deceased man. Rabbi Akiva converts the man’s son, teaches him Torah, and helps him learn to lead prayers; when the son begins doing so, the father’s soul finds peace—suggesting that a child’s spiritual acts can elevate a parent’s soul.
In later generations, different significant explanations arose for why we say the Mourner’s Kaddish.
- It publicly sanctifies God’s name precisely at a moment when our faith may be tested.
- It allows us to continue honoring our parents even after their passing.
- It provides spiritual structure and healing for the mourner.
Over time, new customs also developed. We now recite Kaddish on a loved one’s yahrtzeit (the anniversary of death) and on Yizkor days (Yom Kippur and the final day of each pilgrimage festival). Kaddish is also said for other close relatives—siblings, children, or spouses—though only for thirty days.
Now, to your specific question. I see two parts here:
- Whether it’s appropriate to recite Kaddish for your father beyond the usual mourning period, especially while your mother is still living.
- Whether it’s appropriate for the entire congregation to stand and recite Kaddish, even if they are not mourners.
The first question is fairly simple. Since reciting Kaddish is related to kibbud av va’em (honoring one’s parents), once you have fulfilled this obligation for one parent, you can continue to say it occasionally even if your other parent is still alive. If it still feels uncomfortable, you might consider talking to your mother about it. Kaddish can be a meaningful way to remember your father during moments that bring his memory close—his birthday, special family occasions, or times when you feel his absence more sharply.
The second question—about the entire congregation reciting Kaddish—is more complicated. My personal view is that this practice should be approached cautiously. Traditionally, Kaddish is a special prayer said for one’s own relatives. When everyone recites it without that personal connection, its significance can be weakened.
The tradition (mainly observed in Conservative and Reform congregations) of everyone standing and saying Kaddish arose for two main reasons: to honor those who have no one left to recite Kaddish for them, and to remember victims of the Shoah or other communal tragedies. These are noble reasons, but the practice can lead to unintended consequences.
First, it can make the presence of actual mourners—those newly bereaved—less visible within the community. Second, it risks portraying the congregation as a “perpetually grieving people” rather than as a lively, supportive community that embraces and uplifts those who are mourning. For these reasons, I generally discourage this practice.
That said, it is common in most Orthodox congregations for everyone to stand during every Kaddish, including those recited by the cantor throughout the service. In that context, it is perfectly appropriate to stand for Kaddish—even if one does not personally recite it.
Ultimately, Kaddish is not only a prayer for the soul of the departed but also an expression of our connection to them and to the community that surrounds us during times of loss. Whether you choose to recite it privately or aloud, its power lies in the intention and memory you bring to it. Judaism offers space for both personal meaning and communal tradition, and finding your own balance between the two is ultimately a deeply spiritual act.
